No Hitmen in Heaven by Dan Taylor

Author:Dan Taylor [Taylor, Dan]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Unknown
Published: 2017-11-06T00:00:00+00:00

20.

After mussing his hair up a little, scuffing his shoes, and putting a cigarette behind his ear, the neighbor could pass for looking like my assistant, apart from the T-shirt with the cartoon character printed on it.

But I have a solution. I tell him.

He says, “No way am I taking my shirt off in front of another dude. There’s a reason I don’t go to the gym, and it’s called sausage city, which is what I call the changing—”

“Just take it off and put in on again, but inside out.”

“I heard you the first time, buddy. And it’s not going to happen. Anyway, how do you know I won’t scream when I’m outside the building, letting all the passersby know you’re a lunatic who’s going to kill me?”

“Same reason you didn’t scream when Bill, your neighbor, went past.”

“That’s because I care about Bill. Guy puts up a notice every time he has a party. He’s a real considerate neighbor. I didn’t want him to get shot, too. But the people outside, I couldn’t care less whether they get shot.”

I indicate the Beretta, letting him know it’s still pointed at his face. “Are you telling me you’re going to scream when we’re out in the open?”

“I am not. I was just stalling.”

He shakes his head, and then takes his jacket off, his T-shirt, before putting them back on again, only with the cartoon character on the inside.

He looks down at his jacket. Then says, “Why didn’t I just zip up my jacket?”

“Because it’s a shade under a hundred degrees outside, and you’re a working man.”

“Is that what a working man does, makes sure he’s at a comfortable temperature while hiding the fact he enjoys cartoons, somewhat ironically? And how will I look like your assistant to the other residents in the apartment building? They know who I am, most of them… some of them. Now that I think about it, I’m only familiar with the people on my floor, but surely they’ll recognize—”

“Shut up. To your fellow apartment building residents, you’ll look like you, and we’ll have a conversation about the possibility of me helping you move, as I’ve seemingly just completed a delivery. But when we’re outside, going to my truck, you’ll look like my assistant. And when we’re driving along, you behind the wheel, you’ll also look like my assistant, and not some terrified guy who’s being kidnapped and is being forced to drive along at gunpoint.”

“Is this necessary? It seems excessive. Why would people on the sidewalk, mostly tourists, think twice about seeing two guys in a delivery truck… Ohhhh, I get it. You don’t want us to look like we’re romantically involved.”

“It’s not that. I’m just a careful man. A careful man who’s going to retire someday.”

“It’s cool. I don’t want us to look romantically involved, either. But there’s a flaw in your plan. The cigarette behind my ear. I don’t smoke.”

“How many people in the apartment building are aware that you don’t smoke?”

“Good point.”

“Now put the cuckoo clock back into place by that wall.

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